At 14 years old, I did not even know I was pregnant. I was so detached from my body because of the trauma and abuse I had already endured in my life. I had mentally detached myself from my body. I had no clue there was another human being growing inside of me. I was still out cheerleading, turning flips, and doing everything I normally did because I just did not know. When I found out, I was actually shamed.

Back then, in the late 1980s, I was made to feel ashamed that I had gotten pregnant. I was told that I had put a stain on the family name and added more financial pressure and strain on my mom, who was a single parent at the time. When I went to the doctor, they did not even talk to me. It was like it disgusted them to see me there at that age. I could not tell them if I was feeling pain, having anxiety, or experiencing any symptoms during the pregnancy because they made me feel like I was not welcome. They made me feel like I should not have been there in the first place. The doctor never talked to me. He never even looked at me when I went to my appointments. He would turn his back to me and type on his computer.

At that time in my life, I did not know love. I thought love was pain. Becoming a mother that early was very hard. I was still trying to process that someone depended on me, someone needed me, and I was responsible for someone when I could not even defend, protect, or be responsible for myself. I was very confused and very scared.

After I found out I was pregnant, I was already in my last trimester, I began connecting with my baby. I would read to my baby. I would rub my stomach when I felt him move. I would sing to him. Once he was born, I would really sing and hum to my baby. He used to pucker up and kiss at me all the time. But because of how I grew up, I did not understand love. I did not feel like I had love inside of me to give.

What changed me as a parent was understanding that I had given birth to individuals. My children were going to have their own minds, their own ways of acting, and their own paths to walk. They were also going to make mistakes, just as I made mistakes when I was young. The biggest lesson I have learned since becoming a parent is that I had to go back and reparent myself. I had to give myself the love and understanding I did not receive. I had to give myself confidence, positive words, and encouragement. I had to put those things inside of myself because, in order for me to give them to someone else, they first had to be put inside of me. I had to retrain my mind and my thoughts. I had to reparent myself until I reached a place where I could have positive mental well-being. Once I began doing that, I could naturally and easily give that love, encouragement, and support to my children, who are now grown.

As I look back, one of the best things that could have ever happened to me was understanding that I needed to reparent myself in order to become the parent I always wanted to be.